Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

I am getting tired of jumping thru the multitidinous hoops set up in a series seemingly designed to entrap a burgeoning author. I have sent query letters to over one hundred publishers and received only four replies. None of them wanted any of my stuff. Thanks ahyhoo for the courtesy of a reply!. I KNOW publishers are busy, but what sort of other business would ever make a living NOT talking to their customers? Biting the hand that feeds them as it were (great phrase, No?).
I have a bunch of children's stories, short stories, a MASS of poetry, and essays done and ready to go. I EVEN have a completed novel that is timely and well done. The novel was CLOSE TO ACCEPTANCE, but no cigar. BUT-----NO response from them after they received and read the first three chapters.
Now I am looking for an agent so I can just write and let the agent do the selling. 10-15% is a small amount to spend to make SOMETHING?
After you read this, get me into an agent that will sell for me and I will give YOU 5% of first royalty check.

Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

Post 4th letdown -"my rocket has fizzled"

All the Grands have gone home and the Daus, too. The LSW and I are empty-nesting again. Fortunately as I mentioned B/4, they are all close so we don't have to wait long to re-connect. This is good!!!!!!!!
We shot off the required number of costly (buy one get one free????) celebratory devices and ohhhhhed and ahhhhed appropriately. It was uneventful as far as any loss of life or even any decent maimings, which is good, too. I still sort of miss the olden days when a 4th wasn't fun without a few four foot deep craters in the lawn and someone's house getting an unespected visit by the local fire brigade. Times change.
Now the weathwer is absolutely BEAUTIFUL here in GOD'S COUNTRY (MINNESOTA)--72 degrees, light NW wind after last night's good rain. Low humidity and everyone seems happy enjoying a great Summer. We all feel sorry for those who live where the rivers rise, the ground shakes, the forests burn, and places where there are 11 year droughts. Please don't all move here!!!

So--------------here we are at another July 4th- The birthday of our country and the LSW is in the kitchen whipping up a "FEW" goodies to take to dau Anne's house. World's BEST potato salad, rhubarb pie, and "a surprise". Some familys have everyone come for a reunion. I used to get really upset that our family didn't get to do that!! I finally got it into my skull that living as near as we all do and that there are so few of us comparatively, we have a constant and never-ending reunion. What could be better than living in a free country fought for by our predecessors so we, their dependents could get together in peace, eat like hogs, and blow stuff up? Signed by a contented man.
P.S. "IF YOU WANT TO BE ALIVE ON THE FORTH, DON'T DRINK A FIFTH ON THE THIRD."