Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

I am getting tired of jumping thru the multitidinous hoops set up in a series seemingly designed to entrap a burgeoning author. I have sent query letters to over one hundred publishers and received only four replies. None of them wanted any of my stuff. Thanks ahyhoo for the courtesy of a reply!. I KNOW publishers are busy, but what sort of other business would ever make a living NOT talking to their customers? Biting the hand that feeds them as it were (great phrase, No?).
I have a bunch of children's stories, short stories, a MASS of poetry, and essays done and ready to go. I EVEN have a completed novel that is timely and well done. The novel was CLOSE TO ACCEPTANCE, but no cigar. BUT-----NO response from them after they received and read the first three chapters.
Now I am looking for an agent so I can just write and let the agent do the selling. 10-15% is a small amount to spend to make SOMETHING?
After you read this, get me into an agent that will sell for me and I will give YOU 5% of first royalty check.