Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

I am getting tired of jumping thru the multitidinous hoops set up in a series seemingly designed to entrap a burgeoning author. I have sent query letters to over one hundred publishers and received only four replies. None of them wanted any of my stuff. Thanks ahyhoo for the courtesy of a reply!. I KNOW publishers are busy, but what sort of other business would ever make a living NOT talking to their customers? Biting the hand that feeds them as it were (great phrase, No?).
I have a bunch of children's stories, short stories, a MASS of poetry, and essays done and ready to go. I EVEN have a completed novel that is timely and well done. The novel was CLOSE TO ACCEPTANCE, but no cigar. BUT-----NO response from them after they received and read the first three chapters.
Now I am looking for an agent so I can just write and let the agent do the selling. 10-15% is a small amount to spend to make SOMETHING?
After you read this, get me into an agent that will sell for me and I will give YOU 5% of first royalty check.

Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

Where are all the Publishers when you want one?

Post 4th letdown -"my rocket has fizzled"

All the Grands have gone home and the Daus, too. The LSW and I are empty-nesting again. Fortunately as I mentioned B/4, they are all close so we don't have to wait long to re-connect. This is good!!!!!!!!
We shot off the required number of costly (buy one get one free????) celebratory devices and ohhhhhed and ahhhhed appropriately. It was uneventful as far as any loss of life or even any decent maimings, which is good, too. I still sort of miss the olden days when a 4th wasn't fun without a few four foot deep craters in the lawn and someone's house getting an unespected visit by the local fire brigade. Times change.
Now the weathwer is absolutely BEAUTIFUL here in GOD'S COUNTRY (MINNESOTA)--72 degrees, light NW wind after last night's good rain. Low humidity and everyone seems happy enjoying a great Summer. We all feel sorry for those who live where the rivers rise, the ground shakes, the forests burn, and places where there are 11 year droughts. Please don't all move here!!!

So--------------here we are at another July 4th- The birthday of our country and the LSW is in the kitchen whipping up a "FEW" goodies to take to dau Anne's house. World's BEST potato salad, rhubarb pie, and "a surprise". Some familys have everyone come for a reunion. I used to get really upset that our family didn't get to do that!! I finally got it into my skull that living as near as we all do and that there are so few of us comparatively, we have a constant and never-ending reunion. What could be better than living in a free country fought for by our predecessors so we, their dependents could get together in peace, eat like hogs, and blow stuff up? Signed by a contented man.
P.S. "IF YOU WANT TO BE ALIVE ON THE FORTH, DON'T DRINK A FIFTH ON THE THIRD."

THE GRILLING GRINGO -Ecologically correct use of propane

I have done my share of outside cookery having first been introduced to this sub-set of food preparation in Boy Scouts many years ago. Since I have always had a heightened sense of hunger, it came easy to me.
As is usual in most homes I am aware of, the male quit cooking the moment he married and let the wife do it all. I guess it is related to the
"Hunter/Gatherer Plan" of family life. Men go out and knock off a beast and the women go pull a few roots. Then the men get to sit and drink beer while the wife cleans, prepares and then cooks the meat. Makes sense.
After awhile, as the man ages, he realized he is having more and more trouble finding, chasing down and knocking off a beast. He slowly begins to feel just a tiny bit of guilt about the wife doing stuff while he sits. He looks up from his beer and thinks, "I wonder what is the least I can do to make it look like I'm still helpful around here?" Of course, this guy picks up on the activity that seems the least apt to raise a sweat---cooking!! After all, the little woman can cook!! How hard could it be!!! It's better than cleaning the toilets and vacuuming..
Now, we have all heard that cooking is an art and should not be taken lightly. Anyone can cook on an inside stove and oven (WOMEN) We great hunters must go hunt down the SONIC BLASTER 5OOO with more power than the space shuttle and get cooking!!! Standing if front of this $3000 beauty brandishing our new stainless steel grilling tools brings back memories of the spear and arrows actually used to kill ravenous and terrible beasts. Not quite the same, but adequate.
Now he throws on store-bought-meat some of which is almost recognizable and tries to get it to a palatable state. Occasionally he will call for a beer (which his wife who is extremely happy to help) will bring out to him from the refrigerator as soon as she can while making the desert, fruit compote, potato salad, setting the table and so on.
See how much fun it can be in YOUR marriage--get a wife first, get a grill and get cooking!!! And remember to smile sweetly when gathering in the many compliments on the great meal by saying, " ah, shucks! It wasn't nothing!!"

Changing the subject

Although I know a lot of stuff and have truly tried to always be correct, and at the same time, tried to offer my brand of correctness to the rest of the poorly informed world, it seems that occasionally (RARELY) I am NOT totally correct. See prior BLOG in which I discuss the world shattering "I and Us and We" controversy. I say that the use of the various pronouns depends on their position in the sentence. Others try to say it is somewhat more esoteric having to do with verbs, recipient of action and other English major-type stuff.
All that is well and good, but oneself (See prior BLOG again) cannot help but think and FEEL what seems right to Himself. I cannot--no matter how often I try to see it the other way, my way seems totally correct. I know about the two faces and the wine glass optical illusion and Rorshach testing and all that stuff, but verbal is NOT visual. Maybe a blind person could sort this out, but there are many more important tnings in life so I plan to drop this like a hot potato (e?).....Now why the heck did THAT expression get into our lexicon?
On of the more important things I refer to are health. I have had over 34 operations and am exceptionally level-headed and not insane through all these FUN trips. Everyone says so. Guess it's true. I was just released form the hospital after the third go round for an bowel--incisional infection and was feeling kind of sorry for myself until I heard a good friend was in the same hospital ICU having just had a brain operation for metastatic carcinoma in the meninges of her brain.
I was allowed to leave my room and visit her in ICU for five minutes and was very impressed that she could smile. She was white as a ghost and her speech was slightly slurred, but she seemed to be clear in her mind, even asking about MY health. She is a wonder. All the surgery, chemo and radiation and she is still thinking about others. Sharon is an example to us all. Pray.